Weird on the Web

Bottoms Up

It seemed like a clever idea. Those Point Top 5% badges are everywhere on the Net, so why not make fun of them by inventing a "Bottom 5% of the Web" award. Guess what? What was funny the first time has gotten out of hand, as witnessed by this site, Bottoms Up, which has collected the badges of every merry prankster spoofing the Point. They're all here, from "Pointless Bottom 95% of All Web Sites" to "Edge's Bottom 95% of All Web Sites." Oddly enough, this site has not been recognized by the Point yet.
How to Ride Safely

The elevator and escalator: most of us embraced these technologies as youngsters, at which time we mastered the skills necessary to operate the vertical conveyers. Yet there are those among us who still insist on taking the stairs. Mostly, stairwalkers talk about the health benefits of climbing countless flights, but now, let the truth be told -- they were just never taught "how to ride safely." Thankfully, the Otis Elevator Company has provided this page of helpful hints. With advice like "Watch your step, and enter and exit carefully" and "Always stand facing forward, hold on to the hand rails, and avoid the sides under the rail," this page not only educates novices but serves as a helpful refresher course for veteran elevator takers and escalator users.
James and the Giant Roll of Barbed Wire

This bastardized version of James and the Giant Peach spins a yarn of a young lad who consciously disobeys a father's order. Despite being told to stay away from a dangerous ranch, the naughty protagonist, James, journeys to the forbidden property anyway. Consequently, he has a run-in with a nasty roll of barbed wire and suffers a horrible death from untreated tetanus. The tragic tale, moralizing with the usual bedtime story subtlety, explains to young readers, "When little boys don't do what they're told, they die shamefully."
Bungee Disasters

"Everyone seems to be fascinated with bungee accidents, and since I am not affiliated with any club, I'd like to document them here," explains the site's author. With strange stories of people jumping from bridges without first remembering to attach themselves and odd reports of temporary blindness after jumping, this site is a testimonial from netizens who have, in one form or another, experienced bungee trauma. Several of the stories are recalled "from memory," while others include bizarrely cited sources. The stories are not full-blown descriptions of horrific blood baths and you won't find any GIFs of the unfortunate disasters, however, the site will make seasoned bungee jumpers think twice before taking the next plunge.
The Dog Sideshow by the Seashore

"You are about to enter the dark, foul-smelling underbelly of the dog world," reads the header here; so if mutant dogs are right up your alley, you'll want to dive right into this site. The Webmaster states that the dog images featured here are real, not mere illustrations. Alas, the dogs are illustrations (you can't jerk us around mister!). Dogs with two tails, zebra-dog inbreeds and dogs mistaken for hot dogs are just a few of the peculiar sites at this cyberanomaly menagerie. The page is very entertaining, but shocking? Not really...the dogs' owner is just a bit off his rocker.
Uncle Tim's Sloth Hacienda

Deemed, "The greatest sloth plantation in the world," this site is not a tribute to laziness, but rather a home page dedicated to the slow-moving arboreal mammal namesake. The site contains a bizarre, continuing sloth story and an entire section dedicated to sloth poetry: "Dear sloth, oh dear sloth: Don't ever leave me alone. I don't think that I can make it out on my own in this jungle of a world." This site is not all high literature. On the lighter side, you can visit Uncle Tim's totally unrelated personal psychic page and check out Uncle Tim's various search engines, for those who are too sloth-like to go directly to the source. Regretfully, there are very few sloth images here.
Cheeses of Nazareth

Cheeses of Nazareth wins high marks for a clever, gotta-check-it-out domain name, but the delivery is a bit bewildering. Is this page about cheese or blasphemy? The author, Fatty Moon, touches on "the solidified form of ripened curds of sour milk" in his ramblings, but also includes poetry and some outrageous history. Recipes include Biker-Style Cheese Grits and Baked Goat Cheese Salad, and Fatty rants about "the atrocity called 'Cheeze Whiz,' sprayed out of a can like some obscene day-glow "graffiti," and "the horrible ëVelveeta,' a gluey-orange thing served to unsuspecting high school students." He's clearly a picky guy. Learn all about "Jews for Cheeses" and what to do with stomach-turning cheese mold here.
My Vending Machine Experiences

Everybody's been cheated by a vending machine at some point in time, but most of us just bang the blasted thing a couple of times, spew a few curses and accept the 50-cent loss. Not for this page's angry author, who chronicles his dealings with a machine he calls "The Ultimate Evil." Among the machine's offenses: making the consumer pay twice before dispensing a Reese's and spitting out Nestle Crunch bars without the wrappers. Don't miss the QuickTake photos documenting the machine's nefarious deeds.
Cheater's Paradise

Two paths lead into the Cheater's Paradise. Upon arriving at this site you must choose to enter as either "honest" Abe Lincoln or O.J. Simpson. However you envision yourself, you'll want to check out all of the site's latest in cheating methodology and technology. The page is divided into four levels of cheating, from low entry-level tactics, like making crib sheets to more experienced Shawshank Redemption-like feats of deceit. Dishonest students everywhere will delight at the site's explanations of cunning, and marvel at the knavish usefulness of ordinary items like chewing gum, short skirts, an old watch and even a singing telegram. If you want more details, you'll have to do your own homework and visit the site for yourself.
Bureau of Missing Socks

The world is filled with mysterious disappearances: Airplanes in the Bermuda Triangle, Jimmy Hoffa, Emmanuel Lewis' career and my green argyle that never returned from the laundry last May, just to name a few. Some of these conundrums will never be solved. But in a noble effort to end decades of frustration, Joel M. Reed has established The Bureau of Missing Socks, a resource for single-sock owners attempting to reunite separated pairs. It's like the back of a milk carton for footwear. The site provides the only opportunity on the Net to notify the world of your missing hosiery or to place your lonely footwear friend in the sock singles bar where he can hope to meet a compatible mate.

Here's where you can indulge that most bizarre of American appetites; no, not pork rinds -- rather, obsession with Great Britain's royalty. Proudly serving up "dish, dirt and Di" about THEIR Most Dysfunctional Family, RoyalNet clearly caters to those individuals fascinated by the infamous royal separation -- the site shamefully proves that even sovereignty is capable of acting like peasantry. Personal details about the world's favorite royal family can be found here, including facts about their favorite foods, greatest embarrassments and astrological signs. There's also a large news archive, reports from England, a message board and an IRC chat channel on the topic. RoyalNet reports on Fergie's predilection for toe-sucking with particular relish.
Project: Denny's

Ah, Denny's, the hallowed halls in which sloppy drunks sober up with pre-dawn coffee and haggard families devour Sunday brunch. This is the true story of Jason Alan Pfaff's quest to visit every Denny's possible before he dies. He has purchased an old school bus, named D”s B¸s, to aid in this endeavor. Pfaff, a former Denny's waiter, writes up the details of each visit online, noting what he ate, what free stuff the staff gave him when pestered (such as a Flagstar Brand Vomit Clean-Up Kit), and information regarding whether or not the manager resembled "Weird Al" Yankovic (apparently, a surprising number do). We aren't sure why ANYONE would try so strenuously to hit so MANY Denny's restaurants, but we have to admire the man's fortitude. Black coffee to go, baby.
What Is In YOUR Name?

What's in a name? The answer to this age-old question has long been, "Nothing." But the not-for-profit Society of Kabalarians feel differently, and believe, "Your name is comprised of letters in the same way that a chord of music is made up of notes. The correct combination of letters creates mental harmony just as the right group of notes in music creates musical harmony. The wrong combination, however, causes discord and tension." This site has an archive of first-name analyses on file, so you can evaluate the accuracy of their "Mathematical Principle" for yourself. Weird, yes, but no more so than believing that Leos are natural-born leaders.

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