I was in a rut; surf, eat, sleep, surf, eat, sleep.
Then I heard about a possible cure for my blahs. Andersen
Consulting was starting a new service on the Web that, among other
things, promised to find the Web sites that I secretly desired. I never
even knew I "secretly desired" Web sites, but I figured what the heck,
why not try it?
After all, businesses pay billions of dollars to consulting companies
like Andersen every year. Andersen comes in and studies the
situation and then makes recommendations as to how the company
can bust out of its rut. And here I was, going to get their expert
advice for free!
Admittedly, the service was in its infancy when I tested it, but
again, it had the Andersen name on it. A prestigious multimillion
dollar firm isn't going to sully its good name by putting some half-
baked idea up on the Web, right? Right?
So, I punched in the URL (http://lifestyle.cstar.ac.com/
lifestyle/) and behold! I was greeted by Waldo the Web Wizard, who
claimed he could see my future, my dreams, my hopes and the Web
sites that I "secretly desired."
"Wow! Waldo's finally going to get me those URLs with doctored
GIFs of Alicia Silverstone," I thought to myself.
All Waldo asked in return was that I answer "a few soul-revealing
questions from the mystical archives of wisdom." Hmmmmm, soul-
revealing questions? Was Waldo going to probe my feelings on
religion? Politics? The meaning of life? This guy seemed serious. I
hesitated for a moment. I'm not one of these privacy nuts, but still--
"soul-revealing questions"--I don't usually like to give out my home
phone number when registering at a site. Still, Waldo was promising
me a lot: "Do this--and Waldo will guide you straight to the Web sites
you'll find so interesting you'll think they were created just for
you...after showing you the Web sites you really want to see most,
Waldo will reveal to you the secret reasons how Waldo the Web
Wizard's LifestyleFinder will help change your life--forever."
Change my life? Web sites tailored just for me? And all I had to do
was answer some soul-probing questions? Sign me up!
My appetite keen, I clicked on Waldo's crystal ball. But before we
could get started, Waldo fired back with a disclaimer. Something
about being only a prototype and how Andersen doesn't guarantee
the results. Whatever. They were just trying to weed out the rubes. I
believed in Waldo and no legal mumbo jumbo was going to rain on
my parade. I desperately clicked forward.
"Behold! Waldo senses one of these scenes resembles what you
watch on television...kindly show Waldo what you watch most on the
tube."
This was soul-revealing?Anyway, I had to choose one of six
cheesily-drawn cartoons (by comparison, Hi and Lois is
DaVinci) that pigeon-holed my viewing tastes. There was no choice
that said "NBC on Thursdays except for the new Brooke Shields
show and The Single Guy, plus X-Files, The
Tick, The Simpsons, and Cubs, Bears, Bulls, Michigan and
Northwestern games," so I picked the category "sitcoms." Since
"sitcom" is a pretty loose category encompassing everything from
Seinfeld and Frasier to Full House and Family
Matters, I must say at this point, I was starting to have my
suspicions about this Waldo fellow. Still, I decided to give him
another chance.
Next, Waldo asked me what I like to do after coming home from
work (it's noteworthy at this point that, after professing my taste for
sitcoms, Waldo gleaned that I was gainfully employed). Again, I was
given six choices about "preferred activities" in the form of six cheesy
cartoons. Since "sitting in front of the TV with a cold Rolling Rock"
was not one of the options, I informed Waldo that I liked to participate
in sports.
I can see by my word count that I'm running out of space, so I'll
have to cut to the chase. Waldo went on to ask me what kind of
house I live in, what kind of beverage I like to consume, what my
favorite part of the newspaper is and what kind of music I like. Each
time I had my pick of six cheesy cartoons.
Anyway, in the end, here is the portrait Waldo drew of me: "Waldo
can see your apartment...which to you is a welcomed haven after a
long day of work. It's a place to relax with friends, listen to music and
eat jerky-based snacks. Waldo knows you enjoy the sun, friendship
and chewy chunks of dried beef."
And what about those Web sites tailored specifically for me?
Waldo came up with 15 sites. Of those 15, I can say I was
realistically interested in only three. Some of Waldo's misses: sites
for Bell motorcycle helmets, Chase Bank credit cards, Kelly-
Springfield tires, Majerle's Sports Grill (in Phoenix), the National
Automotive and Truck Museum and Shooter's Billiards Supplies &
Sales.
These were the Web sites I secretly desired? Please. Using
URouLette, I had a better chance of finding enjoyable sites. OK, so
maybe this is an exaggeration. The first site URouLette sent to me
was for the Scrap Plastic Depot, but you get the point.
My advice? Don't waste your time with Waldo.
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