Weird on the Web

The Star Wars Humor Page

The movies of the Star Wars trilogy are famous for their triumphant plots, drama and special effects, but aren't typically renowned for their yuk-it-up element. This page seeks to poke fun at all that over-the-top blasting and dogfighting with a huge helping of Star Wars-inspired humor. Song parodies are particularly amusing; just read this adaptation of Don McLean's "American Pie:" "And we were singin'/ Bye-bye Return of the Jedi/We'll wait 15 years for sequels as Binkley prophesied/And while we wait, we'll make do with Deep Space Nine/Singin' May the Force be with you and I, May the Force be with you and I." The site's denizens also seem especially intent on "killing Lando." Billy Dee Williams' character irks true fans with his traitorous ways and "death-grip on the obvious." Much time is spent discussing his rightful demise. Finish up with lots of Top Ten lists, parodies and the delightful Wedge Antilles Fan Page.
Cinema Muerto

Billed as "The First (and Possibly Last) Publication Devoted to Really Bad Cinematic Achievements," we approached Cinema Muerto with some trepidation. Sure, we've been forced to watch The Legend of Boggy Creek and all the Godzilla movies, but we weren't sure we had the mettle to handle this site. You can read helpful tips on watching bad films: "Endurance is the key -- Once the film is over, all of the horrible memories of boredom and poor taste are replaced with the fond remembrances of plot flaws and laughably cheap special effects." The site reviews such classics as Vampires on Bikini Beach and Dollman and also revels in making note of editing errors and plot problems in films. A true trash-fest of fun horror and low budgets.
Dr. Smith Robot Insults List

Remember that loathsome, cowardly Dr. Smith? Smith, who wound up as an unwanted, uninvited guest on the Jupiter II, the home away from home for the Robinson family in the 1960s sci-fi show Lost in Space? Learn more about him than you would ever care to at this Lost in Space tribute site. It's certainly thorough, particularly the list of robot insults spoken by Dr. Smith, almost all of which are ridiculously alliterative. Consider these entries: "Cackling Cacophony," "Cackling Canister," "Cackling Clod," "Cackling Cookoo," "Cackling Coward," "Cantankerous Clod," "Cantankerous Cold-Hearted Clod" and "Caterwauling Clod." A few seem like quite a mouthful, like "You Traitorous Tin-Plated Fugitive from a Junkyard," but they're well worth learning, as evidenced by a recent name-calling contest in our offices, where former editor Kathleen Flinn was reduced to tears by the aforementioned line. The site doesn't tell readers about what happened to Jonathan Harris, the actor who played Dr. Smith (he's now in his 80s). We did find out, however, what happened to Bob May, 55, who carried the 250-pound metal suit around for three decades for his part as Robot. He now plays supper clubs in L.A.
Rude Things in My Fridge

"Sheesh! How can anything that used to taste so good, smell sooo bad?" This hapless male is at the mercy of his refrigerator. The only weapon at his disposal seems to be his crack sense of sarcasm. Each month, this self-described "lowly bachelor" posts a picture of the most disgusting thing he found in his fridge. Past contenders include some moldy cheese ("Free fur coat!") and wieners ("My baloney has a first name, it's D-E-C-A-Y"). Complemented with pictures of rats and houseflies, we don't recommend surfing here right after lunch; it's cute, but gross. The page closes with the question, "Oh yeah. Anyone know of a good chemical to get this scanner lid clean? Yuck."
How to Turn the Work Life of a 7-11 Employee Into A Living Hell

The author of this site has used his experiences working at dozens of convenience stores and gas stations to compile the definitive how-to list of annoying the underpaid staffs of the quick-stop shopping world. Among his helpful suggestions: "Jam the handle on the Slurpee/Slushie/Whatever machine so that the mush keeps on flowing after you leave. Watch the cashier cry when he finds it." He also suggests calling up cashiers and asking questions such as, "So, are you working there alone? How much money do you have in the cash register right now? Do you have one of those silent alarms behind the counter? Do the cops respond quickly in your area?" Other fun subcategories include "How to Survive the Graveyard Shift," "Screwing Your Store Out of Millions of Dollars" and "Proven Ways to Get Yourself Shot." A sample tidbit from the latter category: "Pick up the phone and dial 911. Tell the police what's happening as you take your time putting the robber's money into a paper bag. If he gets mad, tell him, 'Shhhhhhh! I'm on the phone!'"
Evil People Inc.™

Bored with your tedious job? Perhaps you want to break out of your cubicle and get a job breaking skulls as a Mindless Thug with Evil People Inc.™ If that's not your thing, they have many other openings for bright, energetic, ambitious and hell-damned individuals. Do you want the world's wealth, good looks, some cheap women and a cool car without the hassles of employment? Consider the site's offer to sell your immortal soul. We found the list of items that subjects were willing to trade in their soul for quite intriguing. Among the stranger requests: a rubber chicken and 5,000 feet of rope.
The Scrumdelicious Urban Vermin Gourmet

What do you mean rats and other uninvited household pests are distasteful creatures? You obviously haven't seen the Urban Vermin site, where rodent and insect recipes are posted that even Julia Child would approve of. Exterminate your pests with delicious results, such as Pickled Rat Gazpacho and Oriental Cockroach Salad. Each recipe is clearly written, with precise directions on how to chop, crush or julienne the vermin in question, although we were disappointed not to find any photos of the completed dishes. We cooked the Penne Pasta With Fresh Cockroach Spears, a gustatory triumph! We suggest serving this one with some crusty French bread and a nice Merlot.
Peep Art

The site's manifesto says it best: "Anyone can put a peep into a microwave and fry its butt, but it takes true genius and inspiration to turn that yellow pile of stuff into something worth hanging on a wall!" Peeps, in case your parents were dentists, are traditionally those little marshmallow treats shaped like chicks or bunnies that reign supreme at Easter time. Recently, peeps shaped like pumpkins have also started showing up at Halloween time...but enough about the history of peeps. This site is about the emerging school of peep art. Besides simple instructions for creating your own peep works, there's a gallery of peep images in categories of impressionism, surrealism and post-modernism. Hilarious commentary accompanies several of the "objects d'peepart," placing the works in context by tracing their origins to Dali and Picasso. The art is faithfully rendered at the site, but by its very nature peep art is best experienced in all three dimensions. For those readers fortunate enough to attend Carnegie Mellon University, we encourage you to visit the originals hanging in Baker Hall, room 342C. Hours are variable, so please e-mail ahead to arrange a private showing.
Brad's Leprosy Poetry Corner

Who doesn't like a good limerick about leprosy? This site does not attempt to ridicule or dishonor lepers. Rather, it's a collection of free-verse poetry, haiku and rhyming verse about the disease perhaps best known for its many Biblical references. Anyone can submit writing here, although you should know ahead of time that the Webmaster verifies donor's e-mail addresses to ensure contributors accountability for their own words. You'll be entertained, even if you're a bit disturbed. "So I'm a leper/It doesn't change my lifestyle/but for the rotting."
The Corey Haim Fanzine

Thankfully, this site is not a reverential tribute to the young actor who thrilled audiences with his virtuoso performances in Lucas and The Lost Boys. Rather, the fanzine pokes fun at the thespian who has gone on to distinguish himself as the posterchild of direct-to-video trash. Among the nuggets to be found here are (at this point we ask our younger readers to please skip to the next sentence) naked stills of Haim from the film Blown Away (not the one with Tommy Lee Jones and Jeff Bridges) and details of his 1993 arrest on a misdemeanor for exhibiting a replica of a handgun in a threatening manner. Besides the series of photos of Haim with his doppelganger partner-in-crime, Corey Feldman, the most disturbing item on the site comes from a transcript of an interview from the Arsenio Hall Show. Congenial Arsenio asks Haim, "If you could work with one person, who would it be?" Haim's response: "John Ritter."
The Redneck Gal's Home Reader

Ain't nuthin' this amusing north of the Mason-Dixon. Self-proclaimed redneck gal Breda Rae Goodballett shares her bucolic wisdom on this Web site created "to help those of you who are somewhat, shall we say, challenged in the ways of us deep-in-the-bowels-of-West Virginia-redneck gals." In addition to such varied pages as the weekly "Citizen Profile," "Today's Breda Rae of Sunshine" (a daily commentary) and "Everything Important Žbout Datin', Matin' and Gettin' Bye," a comprehensive guide to relationships, you'll find Breda Rae's advice column: "If Odius won't agree to a .357, maybe he'd let you buy a .22 or at least a bowie knife or a can of mace." And don't miss the discussion groups that tackle such topics as trailer park and bathroom sins.
The Internet Lunch Server

It's not surprising that the virtual fare served on this site seems more nutritious than most of the garbage we put into our stomachs each day. No harried waitresses or nervous cashiers here. Just click on the "Place your order now" link and, in seconds, you'll receive a random visual lunch, complete with items such as "Elliott's AMAZING Grape BoysenBerry Juice Cocktail, a salami bagel and coconut-glazed doughnuts." The Internet Lunch Server is also better than a diner because you can send disappointing orders back and get another as many times as you want.
Andrew Arrow's Bad Advice Page

Unlike the surfeit of Ann Landers-like personal advice sites on the Internet, Andrew Arrow's Bad Advice Page actually solicits users to offer counsel rather than receive it. The thing about Andrew, however, is that he seeks (and posts) only the most rotten and preposterous responses imaginable. While the intricately poor advice offered by users are oft amusing, it's really Andrew's bizarrely Jim's Journal-like questions that stand out. "All my life, it seems, I've had trouble with staples," he fusses one week. "Sometimes they fold wrong, sometimes they don't go all the way through -- though they still remain the single most effective fastening device I know of. How can I conquer them, and use it without personal injury or error?" Unfortunately, Andrew's last entry was made on March 18, 1996 -- a disappearance perhaps attributable to some of the site's bad advice: note the Nov. 20, 1995, third-place entry.

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