The CHEESY Sites



PAYDAY CANDY BARS
www.paydaybar.com payday lips

URL Encountered:
On a billboard on the side of Chicago's Eisenhower Expressway.
Atmosphere:
Rocky Horror Picture Show meets a high-priced hooker.
What's the Point?
Wander around some mysterious chick's apartment, trying to figure out where she hid her stash of Paydays.
Purchase:
One-size-fits-all boxer shorts with pictures of nuts all over them.
Random Quote:
"Take one, unwrap it, and nuke it on a microwave-safe plate for about 10 seconds. It's amazing!"



GATORADE
www.gatorade.com gatorade

URL Encountered:
On the label of a bottle of Citrus Cooler.
Atmosphere:
Hip, sporty, energetic site that allows sedentary computer users to fantasize that they might have need of a high-tech thirst-quenching beverage.
What's the Point?
Delude yourself into total fitness.
Purchase:
Grape- and banana- flavored carbo gel--just rip open a pack and squeeze.
Random Quote:
"Q: How much Gatorade Thirst Quencher can I drink? A: As much as you'd like. There is absolutely no restriction on the amount of Gatorade that people can drink."



GUESS JEANS
www.guess.com guess

URL Encountered:
On a garish black-and-pink promotional mousepad.
Atmosphere:
Sultry models pouting and tossing their tresses.
What's the Point?
There is no point, but the rare, unreleased photos of Drew
Barrymore somehow make it all seem OK.
Purchase:
Nothing. You have to go to the mall for that kind of thing.
Random Quote:
"From the back woods to the spotlight, Anna Nicole Smith is magic."



VIVARIN
www.vivarin.com vivarin

URL Encountered:
We managed to guess it in a moment of sleepy desperation.
Atmosphere:
Someone let some college kids loose with a copy of BBEdit and a corporate credit card.
What's the Point?
Take a bunch of bizarre Generation-X-ish quizzes that all come to the same conclusion: no sensible person would ever be sans Vivarin.
Purchase:
Fill out a form and whammo! Free Vivarin mailed to your doorstep!
Random Quote:
"We're getting paid right this minute to create this Web site while you're staring at applications from places that spell "tasty" with two e's instead of a y."



APPLE JACKS CEREAL
www.applejacks.com apple jacks

URL Encountered:
Somehow, we wandered off the (very good and amusing) Kellogg's site.
What's the Point?
Basically, the only thing here is a big list of "things that don't taste like apples." And yes, Apple Jacks was on the list.



TIDE DETERGENT
www.clothesline.com clothsline

URL Encountered:
Seen on the dashboard of a stock car during auto race highlights on ESPN's Sportscenter.
Atmosphere:
An idyllic suburban backyard where non-working mothers can spend their days worrying about the laundry while their husbands are hard at work at the office.
What's the Point?
If you're obsessed with laundry, you'll find it useful to download the seven-step procedure for removing cough syrup stains from colored lycra.
Purchase:
There's no actual detergent for sale, but you can pick up the Automatic Downy Dispenser (Downy Ball) which time-releases fabric softener in the washload.
Random Quote:
"30,000 socks were washed during the development of Tide with Bleach."



PRINGLES
www.pringles.com gay 90's

Atmosphere:
Dude, Pringles are a rad snack food that's even cool enough for snowboarders to eat.
What's the Point?
Good question; very little actual information beyond the fact "New techniques make Cheez Ums look even better without changing ingredients."
Purchase:
Thankfully there's no online scam to have you purchase Pringles over the Net.
Random Quote:
"And in Cincinatti (sic), Pringles Newfangled Potato Chips are introduced in test market...The Gay 90's gentleman is used to project a feeling of cheerfulness and nostalgia."



THE BURST GUMS:
CINN*A, FRUIT*A AND MINT*A
www.burstgum.com lame-ass shark

URL Encountered:
Banner ad.
Atmosphere:
Jaws goes Gen X.
What's the Point?
To reinforce the fact that Burst gums are the best-selling gums among teens by supplementing product information with coverage of extreme sports and alternative music, the only two things teens care more about than flavor crystals.
Purchase:
Nothing for sale, but there is a free video game that is to gaming what Boone's Farm is to wine.
Random Quote:
"Research with gum chewers told us that what you were looking for was a gum made with today's users in mind."



HELLMAN'S REAL MAYONNAISE
(a.k.a. Best Foods Real Mayonnaise to our friends west of the Rockies)
www.mayo.com this sucks

URL Encountered:
1997 Daily Webpage Desk Calendar.
Atmosphere:
The futuristic Planet Sandwich, an actual sandwich orbiting the Earth and inhabited by mayonnaise-loving folk.
What's the Point?
To suggest that mayonnaise improves the taste of any sandwich and to reassure the concerned public as a whole that "contrary to what Mom used to think, mayonnaise does not cause food poisoning."
Purchase:
Fill out a form and you're promised coupons.
Random Quote:
"Opened or unopened, commercial mayonnaise is microbiologically safe to eat for an indefinite period of time."



I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER
www.tasteyoulove.com gigantic dork

URL Encountered:
One morning while slathering the product on some toast.
Atmosphere:
A romantic journal about love and margarine.
What's the Point?
I Can't Believe It's Not Butter is the first step to improving your love life.
Purchase:
I can't believe anyone would really purchase it, but there's a Fabio mousepad for sale for a mere $4.75.
Random Quote:
"On March 15, the landscape of love changes forever when Fabio is born."



ZIMA
www.zima.com stinky

URL Encountered:
Ad banners back in the ancient days of the Web.
Atmosphere:
An old fridge in the back of a basement full of skunked beer and old crusty condiments.
What's the Point?
To showcase what passed as an interesting and dnamic Web site circa 1994.
Purchase:
There are some assorted Zima icons free for the taking.
Random Quote:
"There are no plans to make a 'sugar-free' Zima."



NAVIGATOR COLOGNE
www.chartyourcourse.com moron-boy

URL Encountered:
Ad during online version of You Don't Know Jack.
Atmosphere:
Michael Stipe doppelganger with a map tattooed on his head guides you through the darkest reaches of cyberspace.
What's the Point?
To capitalize on Netscape's popularity.
Random Quote:
Purchase:
There's a $2 coupon for the cologne which expired 12/31/96.
"A man with control over his own direction is compelling and desirable. So is the fragrance of Navigator."



SCHICK
www.shick.com ugly ugly ugly

URL Encountered:
TV commercial during NBA All-Star Game.
Atmosphere:
Sleek and corporate, like a razor.
What's the Point?
To provide consumers with loads of information about that shaving woman from the TV commercials.
Purchase:
No razors, just a free screen saver of that shaving woman from the TV commercials.
Purchase:
"Another idea was to shave a baby's bottom since that's soft, tender skin, but again, this was too different from shaving the difficult neck and chin areas of a man's sensitive skin."




Bring on more cheese!
Next Time You Think, Think FERTNEL
The Not So CHEESY Sites!

 

 
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