The Tokyo Shock Boys
flamin' head The oh-so-zany Tokyo Shock Boys claim to be Japan's best known comedy export a sad indication of the comedy scene in Japan. Justifying the "shock," in Shock Boys, the wacky troupe of crazed samurai perform acts of daring that include: dragging heavy objects across a stage by the testicles, swallowing live scorpions, lighting fireworks from the tuchis and drinking milk and squeezing it out through the eyes. In the amusing "Our Story" section of the site, visitors are informed that the Shock Boys even run a class of "Young Shock Boys and Girls" in Japan. The finer pupils apparently win opportunities to strut their stuff on stage with their heroes. We're interested in seeing the young woman who can "eat a watermelon and spit the pits out through her nose," drink a pint of beer through her proboscis in under 30 seconds and "nose bleed on request."

  Cross Skull
cross skull A demented variety program of sorts, the Cross Skull home page offers a number of disturbingly odd and disgusting interactive segments, all fashioned after "unappreciated" San Francisco public-access television shows. Tune into White Trash Cooking, an alternative cooking program with the unseemly slob-of-a-chef host, Ed; click over to The Phallics, an animated sitcom with a single-minded point; or channel-surf over to Methods of Torture, a repulsive how-to for would-be executioners and sadists. No redeeming values at this site whatsoever, but a great recipe for Ed's "Gee Whiz" spread, a gentle mix of mayonnaise, SPAM and Cheeze Whiz.


  Virtual Cow Tipping
Cow Tipping the VRML Way
tipped 'er Let sleeping cows lie? Not at these cow tipping sites. Incorporating ShockWave and VRML, these games (in tribute to the prehistoric arcade hit, Frogger) allow players to push, flip and spin poor, unsuspecting bovines. But be wary of the bull stud who doesn't take kindly to all of this cow mooovement. One misstep, and you're cattle feed.

  Sell Your Soul For Fun and Profit!
As online transactions go, this one's awfully simple: Fill out the online form, press send and bang, there goes your immortal soul. In exchange for it, you get anything you want--or so say the folks at Evil People, Inc., "a Great Zaibatsu Engine of Darkness that will one day rule your every thought." After signing on for "an all-expense paid trip to hell," we were disappointed to find that that was all the site had to offer--no opportunity for a voyeuristic viewing of other people's submissions. And, of course, no guarantee the goods will be delivered. But if you're still searching for a Tickle-Me Elmo doll, the supernatural method might be worth a shot.


  The Amazing Adventures of Bromwyn Bunny
ice floe Bromwyn Bunny has been lost in London, tickled in Tokyo and caught performing "lewd acts" in Canada. This site invites the world to witness "the amazing adventures of a toy rabbit abducted three years ago and traveling the world ever since." The hapless Bromwyn, it explains, was snatched from the office of Tim Freeman by two of his fellow computer scientists at the University of Tasmania; "sightings" of the supposedly missing stuffed toy are chronicled in a series of photos under headings like "Evil Bunny-eating Totem Pole Runs Amok in Vancouver." The "official sightings" are pictures staged by the culprits themselves, but visitors are encouraged to send in sightings of their own: Photoshopped images of Bromwyn in the Oval Office and Bromwyn in space round out this surreal Web take on the "Where's Waldo?" concept.


  Bert is Evil!
evil? "We have reason to believe that Bert of Sesame Street is evil and you should keep your children away from him." That's the danger purported at this page. The Webmaster has collected empirical evidence that Ernie's best friend can be linked to Jeffrey Dahmer and the death of Mr. Hooper. Also on the crib sheet, Bert is exposed by buddy Ernie and Kermit the Frog in full-length interviews. A warning goes out to sensitive types--some of the Photoshopped images in the archive may be offensive, such as Bert's "encounter" with Prairie Dawn. We were so traumatized halfway through viewing the site, that we didn't have the strength left to see what "Shoot-me-up Elmo" had to say.

  Cat Food, The Other White Meat
like chicken "My wife is always trying to feed me our cat's food (u know, slip it into a sandwich, etc.) and after several encounters, I've come to love the stuff!" About five clicks into this site, its point becomes clear.The Webmaster simply digs cat food. He attempts to make his case and then offers cat-culinary curious types some recipes for dishes such as cat food meat loaf and cat food croquettes. Are they serious? At the end of the site, the disclaimer states everything is for humor's sake and should not be taken seriously; however, that cat food pasta primavera sure looks tasty.


  General Delivery University
official Here's a chance to stick it to The Man. Why pay thousands of dollars for an education when all you really need is the diploma? General Delivery University will let you download the degree of your choice, from a law or medical degree to a "School of Hard Knocks" certificate. What does General Delivery U. charge you for this experience? Not a dime. If you've got the capability to download, the diploma is yours to do with as you see fit. Each discipline, such as Engineering and Education, has specific schools from which you may receive your diploma--for example, elevator and toy assembly or study hall and sex education. The diplomas cost netizens nothing, but a course catalog runs $3.95.

  Rid Me of My Curse
Who can turn down a desperate man's plea for help? The Webmaster of this site has been given a terrible curse and is soliciting the Web community for the cure. The curse has brought this Webmaster bad luck in various forms. Some of his evidence is moving. For instance, "I bought a brand-new Honda Civic. It was sporty and new and smelled great. Two weeks later, I hit a deer on a major highway," and other examples are "minor manifestations," such as bad cable TV service, getting the flu over the holidays and a cat attack. At the time of the review, the Webmaster's luck was approaching "fair" on the luck meter. So, we decided to send a special IU good luck token to him.


  Wanted: Lombardi's Gap
vince You'd think the Super Bowl victory would have been enough to pacify even the most die-hard Packer fan, but here's a site for one cheesehead who still isn't satisfied with the Lombardi Trophy. Noel Franus won't rest until the Lombardi "gap" is restored. For the uninitiated, the U.S. Postal Service plans to issue a stamp honoring the legendary Packer coach Vince Lombardi this summer. Franus is upset, though, because the stamp's artist corrected Lombardi's infamous diastema. This site is the cornerstone of a campaign to restore the gap, which Franus says was "reflective of his very identity...gloss-free and quite confident."

  The Church of Juan Valdez
burro If you worship coffee, here's a church you might consider joining. Forget the Father, Son and Holy Ghost--devotees of this church pay homage to Juan Valdez, the burro and the bean. Those interested in becoming religious bigwigs take note; Despite there being no annual dues or even a virtual collection plate, there are only nine devout Valdezians (for comparison's sake, there are 15 million Southern Baptists in the United States). Alas, it seems the good people behind the real Juan Valdez are not amused by the church; they've sent notice to the church elders asking them to stop using the Valdez logo in association with their faith.


  Mr. T Quote of the Week
pitious You'll have to look elsewhere for ball eating, fool (see page 15). Here you'll find just good old-fashioned wit and wisdom from the mouth of Lake Forest, Ill.'s favorite defoliator. While the site's creator could have just made this page one big orgy of Mr. T sound clips, by rationing the ruminations, the page lets users pause to ponder the words of the erstwhile world's toughest bouncer, sipping them like a fine port instead of guzzling them down like a bottle of ripple.

  Weird Ferd
boobies Something's wrong with Ferd. The wacky Webmaster has posted photographs of the infamous Flash Mountain girls to the Net. Who are the Flash Mountain girls? They're a group of free-spirited Disney World tourists who rode the Splash Mountain flume ride, barechested. A camera positioned across from the final five-story drop takes memorabilia shots of ride participants, and captured stills of the pert exhibitors. The talk of many Usenet newsgroups, Weird Ferd has decided to expand his Flash Mountain girls photo gallery into a worldwide flashing contest: "Weird Ferd would like his fiends to send in their own flash pics from various public places." Surprisingly, netizens are partaking in the game and getting nekked in the strangest of places. So we decided to contact Ferd and ask, "What's in that head of yours?" Says Ferd, "If it wasn't for voyeurs...there wouldn't be exhibitionists."


  Denounce News Wire
Taking aim at a broad target--all those breathless press releases being pumped out by flaks at high tech companies--Denounce hits its mark straight on. The mock releases at this site include news that Microsoft had to end its "Where Do You Want to Go Today?" campaign after it received a deluge of e-mail with cryptic one-word messages like "Fourth and Elm" and "Egypt." Another announces that Netscape has perfected the "Crash-Ad," a plug-in that will display an ad banner every time your browser crashes.

  The Secret Diary of Bill Gates, Aged 41¼
say yes What do you want to read today? If you answered, "the secret diary of Bill Gates," you're in luck. This exercise in (admittedly) creative writing explores a year-plus in the mind of America's premier billionerd. It's a little nasty, making Bill out to be a condescending, self-important stud, but it's a fun read for those who love to hate the wildly successful.


  Some Odd ThingsI Have Seen in Australia
koala x-ing This site's author visited Australia and came back with some odd things to report. Startling things Down Under include crossing signs for koalas, weird flush handles on toilets, speedy mail delivery and the fact that no one picks up roadkill. Sighs the Canadian, "Every day when I walked to the train station, this gruesome reminder of a creature that once ran out onto the road and was squashed was there. Every day it got flatter and flatter. The flesh at this point was baked by the unforgiving sun to the pavement and had turned black from all of the tires running over it. After weeks more had passed, it looked as though someone had just placed a piece of fur on the road."

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